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  • Chris Bishop

Artemis Fowl was recently released on Disney Plus. And if you see the reviews online, you’ll know it holds a special place on the internet. I don’t understand how they could have made such a bad film. This is almost not a movie. This movie is worse than the Disney animated sequels no one talks about.

This movie cost Disney 125 Million dollars to make. You could end hunger in Zimbabwe for half that money. What the £*** Disney? I’m sorry but seriously why is this movie a thing?

The main character is played by a new actor Ferdia Shaw, who you can see is weighed down by not having a good story. You can have a bad movie, but if the main actor’s name is Anne Hathaway they can kind of make it work. In this movie, you have the worst of both worlds. You have a bad screenplay, and no real acting, except for one person.

Miss Dame Judy Dench has gone as high as you can go. She is in the “I can dress like a cat, and get away with it“ part of her career.

Hollywood is going to wake up one day and see that none of these big budget book adaptations work and that they need new stories. I cannot stress enough how sick we are of book to movie adaptations. They don’t work. Harry Potter is and always will be the only exception, and even then, half the movies aren’t even that good.

Fantasy adventure movies are difficult because they require a good story and good direction. Fantasy adventure movies can get boring very quickly. A movie and a book have different story writing styles.

A Wrinkle in Time we all know was bad. It was kind of entertaining and Mindy Kaling was in it so it was watchable. Artemis Fowl is a movie that doubles down on how bad A Wrinkle in Time was.

The reason why this movie is truly barely a movie is because it doesn’t know what it’s trying to say. The movie does not give a fuck about motivation. Oh yea that reminds me this movie doesn’t really have a villain Lol. Yea we never find out why the supposed main villain wants anything. It’s actually hilarious in a weird way.

The main villain’s name gets mentioned like one time. But his role is so minimal he might as well be a side character.

This movie is bad, and not even in the: “Hey I’m drunk with friends let’s watch A Wrinkle in Time“ kind of bad. This movie made me cringe the most out of any movie. And I’ve seen the Last Airbender.

Speaking of movies about blue aliens, I am absolutely positive Avatar 2 is going to be a crap movie. As of now Marvel is the only thing Disney has going for them.

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